Funny Stories
Uncle Ted's Strange Quotes:
"A lot of people would rather tour sewers than visit their cousins." - Jane Howard
"Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year." - Victor Borge
"In my youth there were words you couldn't say in front of a girl; now you can't say 'girl.'" - Tom Lehrer
"Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example." - Mark Twain
"The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage." - Mark Russell
"Biologically speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female." - Desmond Morris
"To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer." - Paul Ehrlich
Ted Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz) 22-07-10
Selling Toothbrushes
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were
very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something,
then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly,
"My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civic spirit
and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone
that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..
Eventually, it was Little Gordon's turn.
The teacher held her breath ...
Little Gordon walked to the front of the classroom and dumped
a box full of cash on the teacher's desk and smugly said: "$2,467.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Gordie.
"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher,"How could you possibly sell
enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Gordie,
"I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like doggie doo!"
Then I would say,"It is doggie doo. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
"I used the governmental approach of giving you something
poopie that they say is good, and then making you pay to get the poop taste out of your mouth."
Don't you just love little Gordon and what he has done to us now that he is all growed up!
HST - the "Holy Sh** Tax!
Denise Sales, Frog & the Nightgown Pub, 21-07-10
Late Night Call
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear"
Ted Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz) 20-07-10
Life as a Bear
In my next life -- I Want to be a Bear... If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.
Photo courtesy of Rick Webber
If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too. I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup..... I wanna be a bear.
Ted Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz) 10-07-10
What do you think? Did he pass the medical school entrance exam?
Cat Scan: searching for lost kitty
Chronic: neck of a crow
Coma: Punctuation mark
Cyst: short of Sister
Diagnosis: person with slanted nose
Dislocation: in this place
Duodenum: couple in jeans
Enema: not a friend
False Labor: pretending to work
Gallbladder: bladder in a girl
Hernia: she is close by
Hymen: greeting to several males
Labor Pain: hut at work
Lactose: person without digits on
Liposuction: a French Kiss
Lymph : walk unsteadily
Menopause: I no wait
Microbes: small dressing gowns
Obesity: city of Obe
Pacemaker: winner of Nobel Peace Prize
Protein: a favour of teens
Pulse: grain
Pus: small cat
Red Blood Count: Dracula
Rupture: ecstasy
Secretion: hiding anything
Serum: Sailors drink
Subcutaneous: not cute enough
Suture: Gujarati word for "what do you want"
Tablet: small table
Ted Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz) 07-07-10
Sudden Death Final
A man had tickets to Game Seven of the Stanley Cup Final right at center ice. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"
"Well, actually," the man responds, "the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head, "No, no one. They're all at the funeral."
Was Fuzz (06-07-10)
Wisdom From Maxine
Leaning Left
I have this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time. It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor, and have his legs checked out.
For years, he refused... told me I was crazy.
But last week, he finally went, and sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was 1/4 of an inch shorter than his right. A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured, and both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans.
"So," I said, "You didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg."
He just looked at me and said, "I, stand corrected."
Submitted by Ted Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz) 28-06-10
The Mean Kitty Song (Denise Sales, Frog and the Nightgown Pub) 20-06-10 Click Here
IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVICE FOR WOMEN
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor
or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.
Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and
more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you
out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and
willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost
immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can
overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to
live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will
discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living.
Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are
pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who
wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include:
dizziness, nausea, vomiting,
incarceration, loss of motor control,
loss of clothing,
loss of money,
loss of virginity,
delusions of grandeur,
table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to
sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare,
and Naked Twister.
WARNINGS:
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you
are whispering when you are not.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell
your friends over and over again that you love them.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think
you can sing.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you can
converse enthusiastically with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion
that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz..............
Joanne Frembd 09-06-10
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll with their dogs. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got the dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in... The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua ?"
The woman said indignantly, "A Chihuahua ? They gave me a silly Chihuahua ???????"
Submitted by Ted Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz) 20-05-10
Larry's Proverbs
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
Ted Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz) 13-05-10)
Dumb Instructions:
You want me to do what?
"Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts.
"Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.
"Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.
"Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.
"Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.
"Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer.
"Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.
"Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame.
"Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.
"Please remove before driving." -- On the back of a cardboard windshield (for keeping the car from getting too hot when parked).
"Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.
"Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.
"For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack.
"Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless phone.
"Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch.
"Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery.
Ted Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz) 11-05-10
I wonder how much thought goes into his vote. (Ralph) 10-05-10
Love those Church Ladies... They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. Typewriters (?) The following sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services. Enjoy!
Ted Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz) and Joanne Frembd (aka Madam Butterfry) 03-05-10
--
The penalty good men pay for indifference to public affairs is to be
ruled by evil men.
- Plato
THE CHURCH BLOOPERS:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation...
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
-------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".
I bought a bird feeder. I hung
It on my back porch and filled
It with seed. What a beauty of
A bird feeder it was, as I filled it
Lovingly with seed.
Within a Week we had hundreds of birds
Taking advantage of the
Continuous flow of free and
Easily accessible food.
But then the birds started
Building nests in the boards
Of the patio, above the table,
And next to the barbecue.
Then came the poop. It was
Everywhere: on the patio tile,
The chairs, the table ..
Everywhere!
Then some of the birds
Turned mean. They would
Dive bomb me and try to
Peck me even though I had
Fed them out of my own
Pocket.
And others birds were
Boisterous and loud. They
Sat on the feeder and
Squawked and screamed at
All hours of the day and night
And demanded that I fill it
When it got low on food.
After a while, I couldn't even
Sit on my own back porch
Anymore. So I took down the
Bird feeder and in three days
The birds were gone.
I cleaned
Up their mess and took down
The many nests they had built
All over the patio.
Soon, the back yard was like
It used to be . Quiet, serene....
And no one demanding their
Rights to a free meal.
Gotta love Maxine's Wisdom.
Ted Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz) 27-04-10
Letters Of Recommendations For Employees
For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find.""It seemed his career was just taking off."
For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here.""We generally found him loaded with work to do."
For an employee with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."
"He consistently achieves the standards he sets for himself."
For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."
For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."
Ted Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz) 26-04-10
"Under The Sea"
A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the comments. Here are some of them -- the funny ones.
The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years...
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)
I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie age 6)
A dolphin breaths through an a**hole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
Ted Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz) 21-04-10
Why men are happier
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be Prime Minister.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Actually, You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier!
Ted Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz) 19-04-10
Quotes by W. C. Fields
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake-- which I also keep handy.
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
I like children - fried.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no
point in being a damn fool about it.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.
Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.
Very Punny!
1. Energizer Bunny Arrested & Charged with Battery.
2. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
3. Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
4. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
5. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
6. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
7. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
8. Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
9. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
10. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
11. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
12. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
13. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
14. Without geometry, life is pointless.
15. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
16. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Ted Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz) and Joanne Frembd (aka Madam Butterfry) 14-04-10
School Lunch
Little Johnny, after being expelled from his latest school, was enrolled in a Catholic School. On his first day in the new school, he went to the cafeteria for lunch. The children were lined up patiently getting their lunches. At the head of the serving line was a large pile of apples. One of the nuns made a note that said: "Take only one, God is watching."
Seeing this Little Johnny made a note of his own and placed it at the other end of the serving line, in front of a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
Little Johnny's note said: "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."
Ted Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz) 16-04-10
Contractor of the Year in Steep Slope Development 09-04-10
Ted Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz)
THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A CANADIAN GIRL
The first man married a woman from North Carolina . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from South Carolina . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from CANADA . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.
Joanne Frembd (aka Madam Butterfry) 07-04-10
panda
A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please" so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.
All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot at the waiter, but missed.
The barman came over and said "Wha.. wh.. You just tried shooting my friend!!!"
The panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?"
"Why yes," the barman answered. "You're a panda."
"Good," the panda nodded "Now go home and look up 'panda' in the dictionary." And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.
The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted, so he went home to find his dictionary.
After a while, he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition:
PANDA:1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.
Ted Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz) 05-04-10
Shopping for Men
Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.
Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By the way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.
Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.
Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.
Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required"on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
Rule #10: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #11: Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.
Rule #12: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule #13: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rule #14: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why...
Ted Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz) 21-03-10
Questions to ponder:
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase? If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the empty gun is thrown at him?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
Ted Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz) 16-03-10
Career Choices
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned... couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.
Then I tried to be a chef. I figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory. I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, but there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED, AND FOUND THAT I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.
Then I tried to be a chef. I figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory. I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, but there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED, AND FOUND THAT I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB
New Book Titles
Here's a listing of some recently-published "new books" & their author....
- "How to Write Large Books" by Warren Peace
- "The Lion Attacked" by Claude Yarmoff
- "The Art of Archery" by Beau N. Arrow
- "Irish Heart Surgery" by Angie O'Plasty
- "Desert Crossing" by I. Rhoda Camel
- "School Truancy" by Marcus Absent
- "I Was a Cloakroom Attendant" by Mahatma Coate
- "I Lost My Balance" by Eileen Dover and Phil Down
- "Mystery in the Barnyard" by Hu Flung Dung
- "Positive Reinforcement" by Wade Ago
- "Shhh!" by Danielle Soloud
- "The Philippine Post Office" by Imelda Letter
- "Things to Do at a Party" by Bob Frapples
- "Stop Arguing" by Xavier Breath
- "Raising Mosquitos" by I. Itch
- "Mountain Climbing" by Hugo First
Submitted by Ted Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz) 15-03-10
Pastor's Business Card
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote:
'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned.
Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10..'
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation,
he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins
'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'
Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'
Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones?
They still are!
'A cheerful heart is good medicine' (Prov.17:22)
Submitted by Joanne Frembd (09-03-10)
A Bear
I want to be a bear...... If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.
If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you are sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup...... I want to be a bear!
Submitted by Ted Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz - 08-03-10)
Dedicated to "She Who Rides a Broom" Ralph Matthews
A Brave Man:
True bravery is arriving home late after a guy's night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
Was Fuzz 05-03-10
Thinking fast, by kids in elementary school
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to! the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
From Ted Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz) March 3, 2010
