Funny Stories - 01-11
Warning X-Rated - Two female morning news anchors covering a sausage eating competition? This is the stuff news bloopers are made of. (19-02-12) Submitted by Joanne Frembd (aka Madam Butterfry) Click Here
Just Don't Ask Me to Share My Supper (15-02-12) Click Here
Six More Weeks of Winter? (02-02-12)
Being the Change!
Classic Canadian Christmas - Bob and Doug ~ 12 Days Of Christmas (Enjoy! Fred Lockwood) - 22-12-11 Click Here
Proof That Laughing Is Contagious! (20-12-11) Click Here
Quick! Call the Sasamat Volunteer Fire Department!
Hey people, here is the recipe for a fruitcake....
Christmas Fruit Cake Recipe
1/4 cup white sugar
1 tsp. baking powder
1 cup water
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
2 tbsp lemon juice
3 cups flour
3 large eggs
1/2 cup chopped mixed nuts
2 cups chopped dried fruit
1 bottle of Jack Daniels (JD)
sample the JD to check quality. take a large bowl. check
the JD again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
repeat. turn on the electric mixer. beat one cup of
butter in a large fluffy bowl. add 1 teaspoon of sugar.
beat again. at this point. it is best to make sure the JD
is still okay. try another cup just in case. turn off
the mixerer thingy. break 2 eegs and add to the bow. then
chuck it in the cup of dried fruit. pick the fruit up off
the floor. mix on the turner. if the fried druit
getas stuck in the beaterers. just pry it loose with a
drewscriver. sample the JD to test for
tonsisticity. next, sift 2 cups of salt. or
something. check the JD. now shift the lemon ice strain
your nuts. add one table. add a spoon of sugar. or
somefink. whatever you can find. greash the oven.
turn the cake tin 360 times and try not to fall over. don't
forget to beat up the turner. finally, throw towel
through the window. finish JD and wipe counter
with the fat.
Cherry Mristmas
Kim Frostad (12-12-11)
CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Nicole Schwartz (21-11-11)
A little salad with your salmon?
Buntzen Bear's Brother Super Star 'Bear Naked' (05-11-11)
Photo of Buntzen Bear's Brother 'Bear Naked'.
"Male Perspectives on Marriage"
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." Henny Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't." Anonymous
Have a great weekend. (Joanne Frembd, 14-11-10)
English is Funny!
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and there would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England . We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship...
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and
in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop.
Joanne Frembd (05-09-11)
Mt. Rushmore from Canadian Perspective
Humour as Medicine. For the Psychology Today 20 quotes (26-09-11). Click Here
The Wisdom of the Scots!
5 PEARLS OF SCOTTISH WISDOM:
1. Money cannot buy happiness but...somehow, its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard's name.
3. If you help a man when he is in trouble & he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.
Joanne Frembd (aka Madam Butterfry) 16-09-11
"A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu.... Tourist: $8.00 - Broiled Missionary: $10.00 - Fried Explorer: $12.50 - longtime Anmore politician:$ 100.00 The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for the Politicians? " The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of crap, it takes all morning!!" That one's for you Ted!
Joanne Frembd (aka Madam Butterfry) 01-09-11
Top 20 OxyMorons
20. Government Organization
19. Alone Together
18. Personal Computer
17. Silent Scream
16. Living Dead
15. Small Crowd
14. Taped Live
13. Plastic Glasses
12. Tight Slacks
11. Peace Force
10. Pretty Ugly
9. Head Butt
8. Working Vacation
7. Tax Return
6. Virtual Reality
5. Dodge Ram
4. Work Party
3. Hard Water
2. Healthy Tan
1. Microsoft Works
Smile! Joanne Frembd (aka Madame Butterfry) 28-08-11
A young couple moves into a new neighbourhood. The next morning while they are eating breakfast, The young woman sees her neighbour hanging the wash outside.
"That laundry is not very clean", she said. "She doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap."
Her husband looked on, but remained silent. Every time her neighbour would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.
About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a Nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: "Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this."
The husband said, "I got up early this morning and Cleaned our windows."
And so it is with life. What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look.
Combat for Dummies
Advice and instructions taken from actual military sources. Some of these guys must have had a sense of humor. Joanne Frembd (08-08-11)
"Aim towards the enemy."
Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
U.S. Marine Corps
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
USAF Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
Infantry Journal
"A slipping gear could let your m203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
Army's magazine of prevention maintenance
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
U.S. Air Force manual
"Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo."
Infantry Journal
"Tracers work both ways."
U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
Infantry Journal
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
Infantry Journal
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper....once."
Anon
"Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do."
Unknown Marine Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
Infantry Journal
"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
USAF Ammo Troop
Help! We Miss You, Was Fuzz
A frog goes into a bank and
approaches the teller.. He
can see from her nameplate
that her name is Patricia
Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get
a £30,000 loan to take a
holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in
disbelief and asks his name..
The frog says his name is
Kermit Jagger, his dad is
Mick Jagger, and that it's
okay, he knows the bank
manager.
Patty explains that he will
need to secure the loan with
some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have
this," and produces a tiny
porcelain elephant, about an
inch tall, bright pink and
perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains
that she'll have to consult
with the bank manager and
disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and
says, "There's a frog called
Kermit Jagger out there who
claims to know you and wants
to borrow £30,000, and he
wants to use this as
collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink
elephant.. "I mean, what in
the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back
at her and says.
"It's a knickknack, Patty
Whack.. Give the frog a loan,
His old man's a Rolling
Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you?
Yep, I know you are..)
Never take life too seriously!
Come on now, you grinned, I
know you did!
Sue Butterton, 04-08-11
INSTALLING SUMMER...
███████████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░44% DONE.
Install delayed....please wait. Installation failed. Please try again.
404 error: Season not found. Season " Summer " cannot be located.
The season you are looking for might have been removed, had its name
changed, or is temporarily unavailable in British Columbia, Canada (20-07-11)
A Morning Laugh from Donna. Go Canucks! Go!
Anmore artist Jay Peachy has a cure for Canucks Fever. (03-06-11)
The Canucks Fever Patch
I thought you might enjoy this. You are in the penalty box. Click Here. Kim Firth (19-05-11)
Repent! The World is Ending on May 21st. From Joanne Frembd (aka Madam Butterfry) Click Here
Groaner puns for the literate from Joanne Frembd (aka Madam Butterfry) 16-05-11
1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with -- transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression "He who has a Tate's is lost!"
6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokes person was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
10. A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
Why Police and Emergency Dispatchers Scratch Their Heads. Submitted by Joanne Frembd (10-04-11) Click Here
Laws on how things actually work
1. Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire..
6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
11. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
12. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
13. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
So now you know the rest of the story
Nicole Schwartz (03-04-11)
I can't find my hat!
Comedian/ Actor Steve Martin, known to many early Anmore and Belcarra residents for his work in the 1986 Anmore-based film Roxanne, makes a not so subtle comment on ageing. (30-03-11)
Meet Karab Amabo: Bill Maher's choice for the perfect GOP candidate for 2012 in the United States. Click Here Sumitted by Nicole Schwartz (29-03-11)
Dogs have better manners than cats. For link to very funny YouTube video Click Here (27-03-11)
Dogs definitely have better manners than cats. For second very funny video Click Here (27-03-11)
Why the chicken crossed the road in Anmore
Councillor Palmer-Isaak: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
Councillor Piamonte: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!
Tricities 2010 SOCA Award recipient Elaine Willis: My friends that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
Mayor Heather Anderson:
When I was on Council for 16 years, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this Village gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
Anmore Times Editor : We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
MP Stockwell Day: Where's my gun?
Environmentalist David Suzuki: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
Former US President Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with that chicken.Former Anmore Mayor Hal Weinberg: I invented the chicken.
Councillor John McEwen: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
Councillor Chris Sedergreen: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
Dr. Suess: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
Grandpa: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
Anmore Alternative Founding Editor: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
Colonel Sanders: Did I miss one?Submitted by Joanne Frembd (aka Madam Butterfry) 21-03-11.
Anmore Alternative News fan, Geoff Reid, (the tall blond man with the goatee) is introduced to a Montreal politician (20-03-11) Click Here
Spring is Just Around the Corner!
Childbirth at 65
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently,
a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth... When
she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit. 'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet ,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can chat for
awhile first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new
baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said. After another few minutes had
elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend. Growing very impatient,
I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he
CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'Doreen Brown (16-03-11)
Famous Canadian Comedians Wayne and Schuster in 'Rinse the Blood Off My Toga' - Beware the Ides of March Click Here 15-03-11
YouTube Cheap Flights with Subtitles Click Here Joanne Frembd (14-03-11)
In International Women's Week we celebrate Funny Women Click Here (08-03-11)
Learn a Little Sign Language - Warning X Rated - Click Here (04-03-11)
Pole Dancing - Dancing Bear - Click Here (03-03-11)
"Just practising"!
Andre the Giant as the Brute Squad Click Here (28-02-11)
Some One Screwed Up!
Submitted by the Carrolls (22-02-11)
Editorial Boo Boos
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No kidding, really? Ya think?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again! That'll teach'm to be dropouts!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
I hope you enjoyed.
Nichole Schwartz (17-02-11)
Investment Strategy
If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock, you would have $49.00 left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of wine one year ago, drunk all the wine, then turned in the bottles for the recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
Ted Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz) 16-02-11
Why Some Teachers Cry!
Submitted By Susan Butterton (14-02-11)
A Kids View on Marriage
*What Exactly Is Marriage?*
"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents" -Eric, six years old
"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have
kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then
she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." -Anita, nine years old
How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?
"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." -Kelly, nine years old
"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll
find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -Carolyn, eight years old
*Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married*
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" -Bert, five
years old
*How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?*
"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them chance to find out about their values." -Lottie, nine years old
"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind." -Jeremy, eight years old
*What Do Most People Do on a Date?*
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date." -Martin, ten years old
"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love."
-Craig, nine years old
*When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?*
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -Allan, ten years old
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if
anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a
handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -Kally, nine years old
*The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?*
"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan" -Kirsten, ten years old
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to
clean up after them" -Anita, nine years old
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't
need that kind of trouble." -Will, seven years old
Ted Ulmer, (aka Was Fuzz) 03-02-11
And the Winner Is?
The 8 top Darwin Award nominees are:
Nominee No. 1: [ San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
Nominee No. 2: [ Kalamazoo Gazette]:
James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo , MI , was killed in
March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-
type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway
while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source
of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however,
and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
Nominee No. 3: [ Hickory Daily Record]:
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death
in December in Newton , NC . Awakening to the sound of a ringing
telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed
instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew
it to his ear.
Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto ]:
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in
a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his
shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death.? A police spokesman
said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion
Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength
of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously
has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police
reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day
Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the
best and brightest" of their 200-member lawyer association.
Nominee No. 5: [The News of the Weird]:
Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina 's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
Nominee No. 6: [The Indianapolis Star]:
A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk , IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber
muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
Nominee No. 7: [Reuters, Mississauga , Ontario ]:
A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. "Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred," said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.
And, THIS one, you're going to LOVE!!
Finally, THE DARWIN AWARD WINNER!!!: [ Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:
Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County Deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday.
The following is his report. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock , were returning to Des Arc after a frog-catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole 's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the 22 caliber bullets from his pistol fitted perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the
headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge.
After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the pavement, and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will
never again operate as intended. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.
"Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might be dead," stated Wallis.
"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Deputy Snyder.
Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia ( Poole 's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck?
Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene pool.
Really! Hope you enjoyed!
Joanne Frembd (aka Madam Butterfry) and Ted Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz)
31-01-11
This is soooo cooool! - Staircase vs. Escalator
Watch what a group of engineers did, using fun to get people to use a long staircase with a moving escalator right next to it...
At first no one took the stairs, almost 97% of the people took the escalator...
Notice how engineers changed how people reacted to climbing a long stair case as first choice...66% more people took the stairs... Click Here Ted Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz) 20-01-11
The Haircut
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut,
he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept
money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The
florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to
open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a
dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you ,
I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left
the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there
was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his
door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he
went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept
money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member
of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning,
when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen other Members
of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference
between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS
NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND
FOR THE SAME REASON!
Joanne Frembd (aka Madam Butterfry) 18-01-11
From Joanne Frembd (aka Madam Butterfry) 17-01-11
Andre the Giant as a poet in Princess Bride Click Here (17-01-11
Laugh of the Day from Fred Lockwood (11-01-11) Abbott and Costello in 'Who's on First?' Click Here
Year to date statistics on Enhanced Airport screening from the US Department of Homeland Security
Terrorist Plots Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3
Submitted by Joanne Frembd (aka Madam Butterfry) 09-01-11
Newfoundland humour doesn't get better than this!
Two Newfies were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer. After a while the first Newfie says to the second, “If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?”
The second Newfie crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.Finally, he says, “Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even.”
...and so the new year begins. Hello again AAN readers! (Ted Ulmer - aka Was Fuzz) 05-01-11
T’was the week after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvellous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely reared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend the rest of the winter disguised as a man!"
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
I’ll get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that exactly what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
My Blackberry is not Working! For video Click Here. Submitted by Joanne Frembd (aka Madam Butterfry) 01-01-11.
