Sassy Seniors
IMPORTANT MESSAGE:
You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs.
It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to
mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my
life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.
My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they
took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had
stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least
three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to
give up my jeans in favour of long skirts.
Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One
morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the
flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of
the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was
being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to
me next?
When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with
a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the
world wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons
are using REAL replacement body parts - stolen from you and
me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted',
look again - was it lifted from you?
THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere
every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS!
P. S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs. I was
lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of
bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in
my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my
waistband.
Thought this was too 'important' not to pass on. Have a
wonderful day - with a joy filled heart. Always remember to
laugh!! Helps the heart AND the wrinkles!!
p.p.s. Those same thieves come in my closet and shrank my
clothes! How do they do it????
Joanne Frembd (13-07-10)
Being 'Hard of Listening'
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you
can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will
three times!'
Ted Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz) 07-07-10
Grandmas.
I was out walking with my Grandson. He picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in his mouth. I took the item away from him and I asked him not to do that.
Why' my Grandson asked.
"Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs," I replied.
At this point, my Grandson looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Grandma, how do you know all this stuff?? You are so smart."
I was thinking quickly and said to him. "All Grandmas know stuff. It's on the Grandma Test.You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandma."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but he was evidently
pondering this new information. "Oh....I get it! he beamed, So if you don't pass the test you have to be the Grandpa". 'Exactly,' I replied with a big smile on my face.Linda Sweet (11-05-10)
Memory - Ted Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz) 29-03-10
My forgetter's getting better, But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke.
(Left to Right - Judy Taylor, Mario Piamonte, Ted Ulmer)
For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room,
Say "what am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.
At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say! "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, "Who was that?"
Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
Retirement Option from Ted Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz) 16-02-10
Instead of a Nursing Home
There will be no nursing home in my future........
When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service ( which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7or 14 days.
7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.
Local Anmore Resident, Stephanie Teichman Celebrates Her 91st Birthday on Saturday, January 23, 2010
Stephanie Blowing Out her Birthday Cake Candles
Four Generations of the Family
Stephanie Teichman of 189 Strong Road celebrated her 91st Birthday on Saturday, January 23rd. Over 30 guests joined her to help commemorate this momentous event.
Is Stephanie, perhaps, the oldest resident in Anmore?
__________________________________________________________________
A Very Special Birthday Wish for a Very Special Lady
Happy 85th Herta AKA "Oma" Piamonte!
Happy 85th Birthday to Herta Piamonte, Queen for a Day - Click Here
Video on Woodpecker Who Visits Oma on her Birthday- Click Here
And they ask---Why I Like Retirement? Ted Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz) 27-10-09
Ruth Foster enjoys Ted's Corn Tasting party.
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who continues to work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: ( They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. )
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer : If you cut classes, no one can call your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
Question: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday to Friday; Nothing, Saturday & Sunday I rest.
Happiness is a voyage,not a destination,
There is no better time to be happy than... NOW
Submitted by Ted Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz) 21-09-09
Watch for the first organizing meeting of the Anmore/Belcarra Sasamat Association of Savvy Senior Youngsters (SASSY) to be held in the near future.
Scotch with two drops of water.
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops
of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this
cruise to celebrate my 75th birthday and it's today.'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.
In fact, this one is on me.' As the woman finishes her drink, the woman
to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops
of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to
her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two
drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops
of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to
hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
From Jeanette Tannis 20-08-09
A Magic Memory for SASSY seniors from Ralph Renault 16-08-09 Click Here
This is a story by David McClure from Ted Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz) 16-08-09.
$5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet – a mere child! Senior citizen?
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Emo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?
I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile. Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler? like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler? like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!" at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.
I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard. Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be
leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the
bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I
reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found. I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time.
There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for 'early' Canada Pension benefits.
Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad
came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a
drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake." I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized. She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast. As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky.
The good news was I had successfully found my way home.
Young love rekindled after 85 years
ARLINGTON HEIGHTS, Ill. (UPI) -- A 93-year-old Illinois man says he is marrying his third-grade sweetheart after 85 years apart.
Roland "Mac" McKitrick, 93, of Arlington Heights, proposed to Lorraine Beatty, 92, of Georgia, Tuesday, about three years after they reconnected following an 85-year interruption in their friendship, the Arlington Heights Daily Herald reported.
"She was my third-grade sweetheart back in 1921," McKitrick said. "We knew each other for about one year. Then, for all practical purposes, we lost contact for 85 years."
But McKitrick said both he and Beatty had brothers living in Connecticut who became friends, and the two reunited through their brothers.
"I still picture her as my third-grade sweetheart. I've carried that in the back of my mind since that time," McKitrick said.
He said he still has a photograph of himself with Beatty taken when they were children.
"That snapshot stayed in my memory," he said, "and her face stayed in my memory."
Submitted by Ted Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz) 30-07-09
Bill and Sam
Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill,but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'
Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'
'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Mary, that cute little blonde
waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so flattered that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'
'That dang, judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
Submitted by Joanne Frembd (aka Madam Butterfry) 28-07-09
Rose and Barb
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her faithfully every day.
One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.'Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'
'Who is it?', asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'
'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'
'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.
'Rose! Where are you?'
'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.
'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'
'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'
'You're pitching Tuesday.'
Life is uncertain - eat dessert first.
Joanne Frembd (aka Madam Butterfry) 26-07-09
Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.'
2.An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
3.Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says. 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
4.An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know the one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
5.Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
6.Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair, 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?'
7.A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
8.Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
9.A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?' ' Twelve thirty.'
10.Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
One more
11.A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Oh for goodness sakes!
Ted Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz) 13-07-09
It truely is the golden years . Your just never to old to have fun . An old couple walked into the lobby of the Mayo Clinic and spotted a piano. They've been married for 62 years and he'll be 90 this year.It's all attitude. Enjoy!! Ted Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz) 02-07-09
Great Truths About Growing Old
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
"Better to burn out than rust out."
- Young, Neil
Submitted by Ted Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz) 23-06-09
Remember the 7 children of the Trapp family?
They were having a reunion after 40 years
and all were looking healthy and amazingly well.
NOW CURRENTLY...
It wouldn't be funny if it weren't so true... Julie Andrews turned 69
and to commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. (American Association of Retired People)
One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favourite Things" from the legendary movie "The Sound Of Music."
Here are the actual lyrics she used:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.
Cadillac's and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short, shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things.
When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted
over four minutes and repeated encores.
Ted Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz) 21-06-09
A TRIP TO WAL-MART
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house.
Mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever.You are hot and sweaty. Covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit, shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you
need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job.
Depending on your age you might do the following.
In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush
your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror
and flex. Add a dab of your favourite cologne because you never know, you
just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You
went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You
married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb
your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your
favourite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is
the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the
hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash
your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want
to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and
do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register
is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.
In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto
your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new
sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that
shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register
smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.Then you
remember the hat you have on is from your buddy's bait shop and it says, "I
Got Worms".
In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose off the dog crap
off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You
hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.
In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing.Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your
prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her
grandfather.
In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember
that you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying
to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone
called out your name. The old lady that greeted you at the front door went
to school with you.
Submitted by Grandpa Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz) 13-06-09
Sunday Paper
This is dedicated to all of us who are seniors, to all of you who know seniors, and to all of you who will become seniors.
It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are!
Ted Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz) June 1, 2009
"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter,
"Well, phooey, so that's why no one was at church today.
An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
from Ted Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz) 28-05-09
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of
the dealership and past the Tim Horton's.
Taking off down the Trans Canada , he floored it to 120 kph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the highway, pushing the pedal
to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the RCMP behind him, red and blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him, no problem!" thought the elderly nut
case as he floored it to 130 kph, then 140, then 150 kph.
Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for
this nonsense!" He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Mountie to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the officer walked up to the driver's side
of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man, looking very seriously at the Mountie, said, "Years ago,
my wife ran off with an RCMP officer. I thought you were bringing her back.
"Have a good day, Sir," said the Mountie.
Ted Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz) 18-05-09
A fairy promised to grant the couple two wishes as a gift for their 50th wedding anniversary.
The wife said, 'I would love to go on a cruise with my darling husband.' The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful stinkers should remember fairies are female.....
Joanne Frembd, 05-05-09
Five Important Men in My Life
As soon as I wake up,
Will Power helps me get out of bed.
Then I go to see John .
Then Charlie Horse comes along,
& when he is here, he takes a lot of my time & attention.
When he leaves,
Arthur Ritis shows up & stays the rest of the day.He doesn 't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.
After such a busy day, I'm really tired & glad
to go to bed With Ben Gay.
What a life! Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with
Al Zymer and thinking of calling JACK DANIELS or
JOHNNY WALKER to come and keep me company.
Now remember:
Life is like a roll of toilet paper ...the closer it gets to the
end, the faster it goes...so have fun, think 'good thoughts' only,
learn to laugh at yourself, and 'Count your blessings!!!!!!!
The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.
'Life isn't about how to survive the storm but how to
dance in the rain.'
Submitted by Joanne Frembd (aka Madame Butterfry) 10-03-09
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?
We can't chew them because we've no teeth,' she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them, then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'
Ted Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz) 25-02-09.
A RETIREE'S THOUGHT.
My wife said, "Whatcha' doing today?"
I said, "Nothing."
She said, "You did that yesterday."
I said, "I wasn't finished".
CAN'T IMPROVE ON THAT!!!!
Ted Ulmer (aka Was Fuzz) 10-02-09
Not bad for 87, actually not bad for 27. Well done! Joanne Frembd, 04-02-09. Click Left
That's a good question! 04-02-09
Happy 90th Birthday to Anmore resident Stephanie Teichman on January 24th, 2009. Congratulations young lady! For details Click Left.
07-01-09
Dogwood and Glen Pine Recreation Centres for Adults for Adults 50+Click Here
'Girls' and Guys Just Wanna Have Fun!
Port Coquitlam Clogging and other courses CLICK HERE
Simon Fraser University Seniors Program CLICK HERE
12-12-08
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"
Ted Ulmer
--
Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.
Leacock, Stephen B
12-10-08
And They Ask Why I Like Retirement
Ted Ulmer contribution
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.
SERENITY
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'
THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
you grow old because you stop laughing.
